My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
pizza
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened