My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Birds & Planes.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Buddy just texted me that I should’ve passed him the ball in a lacrosse game that happened in 2019
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?