My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.