My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you