My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.