My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
dogs can find happiness so easily
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
BRAKING NEWS!!
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?