Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

BISON DAD: good bye, son.

BISON SON: thank you, dad.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.