My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
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THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.