My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.