My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
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ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
That’s it.I’m out.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder