Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.