Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

felt that

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband: