My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.