My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.