Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.