My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
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The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.