Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

Very good! 👍😂

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.