My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I am also baked goods
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.