My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.