My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.