Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Simple enough.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
The happy life.. 😊
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.