Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Still my favourite meme.

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.