Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

That earthquake could have been an email.

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

#Caturday

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

eating my hot dog hamburger style

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi