My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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lost dog
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am