My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
How long do you have to wait between naps?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*mops up wine with cat*
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.