My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Everyone is getting idioter.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.