My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?