My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent