My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
me as a parent
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.