My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My ex bf sent me a friend request today and then deleted it real quick. Bro can’t even stalk right
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Netflix and awkward silence?