Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Saw this yesterday lol

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

Cats are still liquid.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

I am having an out of money experience.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron