Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it