Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.