My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
You Might Also Like
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Zack Greinke stories are the best
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Dishonest mechanic?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup