My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
2023 was just a warmup
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
what all these pyramids be scheming about?