My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Uh oh…
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Thank heavens for community notes
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
