Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better