My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.