My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Not😆🤣
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom