My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
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btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Venn
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am