My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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I wish I were this cool 😂
*3.5 thank you very much.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Childbirth is so beautiful
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.