Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1629501687005159427/pu/vid/1280x712/kS1YkEbiv-BbQ7Il.mp4?tag=12

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

🪶

Saving my good tweets for marriage

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.