My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit