My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.