My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
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Who knew!
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Hero horse inspires millions
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.