if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.
thanks & God bless
My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).
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“Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!”
–Things I honestly never imagined I’d hear as a parent
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me: For who them bells toll…
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[last day as head juror]
judge: how do you find the defendant
judge: and the full sentence?
me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]