@Cpt_Burnout

My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).

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@EJGomez

if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless

@neptunemoons

“Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!”

–Things I honestly never imagined I’d hear as a parent

@TheSadnesses

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

@jordan_stratton

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@TheDeadfishSays

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

@panTdropper

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

@NOTVIKING

[last day as head juror]

judge: how do you find the defendant

me: guilty

judge: and the full sentence?

me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty

@rockymomax

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!