@Cpt_Burnout

My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).

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@scootergonscoot

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

@Browtweaten

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

@MyNameIsArchaic

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

@suecorvette

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

@StarksWeek

How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to “Yes I’ll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me”?

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@Puncroaker

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.