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Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Brb my Sims are getting married
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh