A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine