Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

My support group can outdrink your support group.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

plums roundup

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes