Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Simple

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.