Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?