Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do