Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Pee pressure > peer pressure

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?