My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job