Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.