My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
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Today’s tshirt
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful