My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line