My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
fired
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid