Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

A completely valid reaction tbh

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.