My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
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Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.