My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
#math
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.