My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
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My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body