My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
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[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines