My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
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Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The options really are this bad
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
this is the news I live for
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Vodka burrito was a success
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I wish I were this cool 😂
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof