My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
This was my dad’s browser history.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”