Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

SPLOOT

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.