My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?