My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again