My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.