My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
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Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.