My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
🐿️
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I like long walks away from everyone
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me