My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
You Might Also Like
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Me too, bag. Me too….
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok