Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

When someone trying to leave me

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box