Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

#parenting

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Not today

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.