My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
You Might Also Like
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
How about daylight saves us for once
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.