My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
We will use anything but the metric system
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted