My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
You Might Also Like
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Poetry is my passion
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.